Leadership and Respect: Why "It's Not That Deep" Is Undermining Our Generation. And How to Build Respect

You've heard it before. Someone calls out harmful behavior (or words), and the response comes swift and dismissive: "It's not that deep." Three words that have become the shield of choice for deflecting accountability in our generation.

I'm all for being your authentic self. As someone who runs Nani Media and teaches servant leadership, I believe deeply in the power of showing up as who you truly are. But there's a troubling trend I've noticed where "it's not that deep" has morphed from a healthy reminder not to overthink everything into a permission slip to abandon basic respect for others.

How "It's Not That Deep" Undermines Respectful Leadership

When we say "it's not that deep," we're essentially telling someone that their feelings, their boundaries, or their experience doesn't matter. We're validating our selfishness and disrespect towards another. We're minimizing their reality and elevating our own comfort above their well-being. It's become the ultimate conversation ender, the verbal equivalent of putting up a wall when someone tries to engage with us about impact.

But here's the thing – sometimes it actually is that deep. Sometimes our words carry weight we didn't intend. Sometimes our actions ripple out in ways that affect people we care about. Sometimes what you are doing and saying is rude, out of place, and/or just not necessary. And sometimes, the person standing in front of us is telling us something important about how we've made them feel.

If someone walks into a meeting and starts talking over everyone else, you ask them to please share their ideas, but respect others who are also sharing their ideas, and they respond with "it's not that deep", what would you do? REMINDER:

Everything we need to know we learned in kindergarten.

Leadership Principles: Authenticity vs. Accountability

Being authentic doesn't mean being exempt from consideration for others. Real authenticity includes being genuinely respectful, genuinely kind, and genuinely willing to grow when we learn we've caused harm. It means being authentic enough to admit when we've messed up, rather than hiding behind dismissive phrases.

The most authentic version of yourself should be someone who cares about their impact on others. If your "true self" is someone who regularly hurts people and brushes off their concerns, then maybe it's time to dig deeper into who you want to be.

You learned it in kindergarten.

Building Respect Through Self-Leadership

Here's what I've learned through leading my company and teaching others about servant leadership: you have to respect yourself enough to be respectful. When we dismiss others' feelings or experiences, we're actually diminishing ourselves. We're choosing the easy path over the growth path. We're choosing comfort over character.

Respect isn't about being fake or walking on eggshells. It's about recognizing that other people are complex human beings with their own stories, struggles, and sensitivities. It's about understanding that our words and actions have power, and choosing to use that power thoughtfully.

The Self-Respect Connection and How to Build It

Respect as self-respect means understanding that how we treat others is a direct reflection of our own character and leadership capacity. When we show respect to others, we're actually practicing the highest form of self-respect.

Servant Leadership: A Framework for Respectful Communication

In servant leadership, we flip the traditional power dynamic. Instead of leading from a place of "I know best" or "deal with it," we lead by serving others first. We ask: How can I lift others up? How can I create an environment where everyone can thrive? How can I use my influence to make things better, not just easier for myself?

This approach requires us to sit with discomfort sometimes. It requires us to listen when someone says we've hurt them, even when we didn't mean to. It requires us to choose growth over defensiveness.

Key Leadership Behaviors: This is How to Build Respect

Effective leaders understand that respect isn't given automatically – it's earned through consistent actions that demonstrate care for others' wellbeing and growth.

• Practice accountability over defensiveness - When someone tells you that your words or actions have hurt them, resist the urge to say "it's not that deep" or become defensive. Instead, listen with genuine curiosity, acknowledge their experience, and take responsibility for your impact even if it wasn't your intention. This builds trust and shows that you value their feelings as much as your own comfort.

• Lead by serving others first - Before responding in any situation, ask yourself "How can I lift this person up?" and "What would make this better for everyone involved?" This servant leadership approach shifts your focus from protecting yourself to creating an environment where others can thrive, which naturally builds mutual respect and stronger relationships.

• Choose growth over comfort in difficult conversations - When faced with uncomfortable feedback or conflict, sit with the discomfort instead of dismissing it. Use these moments as opportunities to dig deeper into who you want to be as a leader and person. The willingness to be vulnerable and learn from challenging interactions demonstrates the highest form of self-respect and earns respect from others.

Maybe it is that deep. Like a never-ending black hole depth of respect.

How to Lead with Respect: Moving Forward

The next time you feel the urge to say "it's not that deep," pause. Ask yourself: What is this person really telling me? What would it look like to respond with curiosity instead of dismissal? What would it mean to take responsibility for my impact, even if it wasn't my intention?

Being your authentic self and being respectful aren't opposites – they're partners. The most authentic thing you can do is care about how you affect the people around you. The most respectful thing you can do is be genuinely yourself while holding space for others to do the same. And this is how you build respect.

Let's rid our dictionaries of "it's not that deep" as a shield and instead embrace the depth of real connection, real accountability, and real respect. Our generation has the power to redefine what it means to be authentic. Let's make sure that definition includes being authentically respectful, too.

Let's rise!

xx

Nani

About the author: As the founder of Nani Media and an expert in servant leadership principles, I help entrepreneurs and business leaders develop respectful leadership skills that create positive impact in their communities and organizations. Learn more about leadership development and respectful communication strategies, specifically for storytellers.